Cringe-Worthy Moments

A few nights ago, we were sitting around the dinner table, discussing the day.  Luke is sweet on a little girl in preschool, so Keith asked Lela if there was a boy that she liked.  She gave him the name of a little boy and when Keith asked what she liked about him, Lela said, “I like his Mohawk.”

Keith and I shared a “look” and he put his head in his hands.  I imagine he was fast-forwarding ten years and worrying that Lela is already drawn to the “bad boy” vibe.

Sometimes kids say things that make us cringe and we try not to react (or burst out laughing).  Here are a few examples, just for fun (Lela, of course, provides the most entertainment):

• Around age three, Lela, being super-social and having no filter, turns to a nice woman in the checkout line, pats her belly, smiles at her sweetly and says, “I LIKE your big tummy.”  I was horrified, but the lady gave me an understanding smile (the smile between moms that says, “Don’t worry, my kids have embarrassed the crap out of me too.”)
• Last time our oldest daughter, Casey, and our grandsons were visiting, we were sitting around the dinner table and the kids were counting the number of boys vs. girls at the table.  Lela announced, “I wish I was a boy so I could have a scrotum and a floaty penis like Luke!” (“floaty” meaning it floats in the bathtub which they all think is wicked cool, and they had just learned the term scrotum when Luke asked the “what’s this?” question a few nights prior.)  I wish I could have captured Casey’s reaction.  We all broke up laughing and I began to second-guess whether I should have taught them the “real” names for body parts.

But sometimes kids say things that make us cringe in a different way.

Our daughter, Carlie, adopted from China, asked me one day why her (birth) Mom didn’t want her.  I knew this question was coming some day, but it still stopped my heart for a second, and of course, we had to talk about what she was feeling.  That whole journey is a story for another day, and I’m sure there will be moments in the future that make my heart stop in heartbreak or in fear that I can’t find the right words.

And THEN there are times when other people say things to our kids that make us cringe.

A big percentage of these moments come from my Dad who loves to teach the kids gross things, and fill their heads with all sorts of mischief.  I hold my breath and wonder how they will process all the new and fun information from Papa.  They often hear me saying, “Papa is being silly” (interpretation:  Papa is teasing and if you actually do or say that, you will get in trouble.)

But we have also experienced not-so-fun moments where someone has said something to the kids that made me cringe.  Like the time we visited a church and Lela, Luke and Carlie were telling us all about what they had learned in Sunday school class.  At first, they seemed to grasp some difficult concepts, saying that they learned about being “born again” and how you are made new in your spirit (hard concept for 5 year olds).

But then one of them spit out, “And if we don’t love God we will be punished.”

I was stunned for a moment.  Silently, I was screaming, “Noooo!”

We have tried so hard to protect our kids from the “angry, waiting-for-you-to-mess-up, punishing” image of God.  And in one short moment, some well-meaning Sunday school teacher can swoop in and introduce the “religion of guilt.”  Ugh.

I was desperate to try to undo what had been done.  I know that God’s judgment is real, but I look at it now through the lens of a parent.  I have to punish/discipline my kids sometimes, but I never want to.  It breaks my heart to punish them, but I do it because I love them and want what is best for them.  That’s how I interpret God’s judgment.  I mean, look how far He went to help us avoid punishment – He took the punishment for us!  If we are disciplined, it’s because we bring it on ourselves (a nasty little thing called free will) or because He loves us enough to help us, and not because God is waiting to hurl lightning bolts at us when we screw up.

So I quickly tried to come up with a story to help them understand what some people mean when they talk about God’s punishment.

I said, “What if you got an invitation in the mail and it was an amazing, beautiful invitation with your name on it?  You could tell it was very special, and when you read the invitation, you discovered that you were invited to a party that was in your honor!  There would be singing and dancing and wonderful food and everyone would be there to celebrate you.  When you got to the party, God was waiting for you.  He opened the doors and you could see and hear the beautiful things He prepared for you.  God smiled and threw open His arms to welcome you, but instead of going inside, you just stood there, or maybe you ran away.”

I asked them, “If you chose not to go to the party, is that God’s fault or your fault?”

The kids answered, “My fault.”

I tried to explain to them that God loves us all so much that He has gone to great lengths, even sending Jesus to die for us, because He wants us to know His love and be with Him.  If we reject God’s love, it is like a punishment, but it’s our choice.  He wants to give us love, joy, peace, forgiveness, His Holy Spirit, but He won’t make us accept His invitation.  He wants us to come to Him because we want to, because we understand how much He loves us.  He does not want us to come to Him because we are afraid we will be punished.

The kids seemed to understand, but I still wonder if they now think they serve a “punishing” God.

They are so little – right now I just want them to grasp how much they are loved and cherished by God.

I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of sin, but I want them to focus on the power of God’s love to overcome the ugliness of sin.   I don’t want to downplay the sacrifices we make to follow Christ, but I want them to make those sacrifices willingly and out of an overflow of gratitude and joy – not because they believe God is some sadist.

I want them to feel free and not shackled to some version of God where we are always working to be “good enough” so we won’t be punished (the Bible makes it clear that “works” do not save us).  That’s an exhausting way to live, and it is not what God intends.  Jesus said, “Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, at you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I cringe when I think of how far Christ had to go to show His love for me.  And I cringe when I think of how people can twist the radical love of God into their own warped judgment game where we try to keep score for Him.

Soooo, I’m probably overreacting (just a little).

Maybe one day, if my kids have some image of God as a party-throwing, it’s-all-good kind of God, I might wish that I had let them believe in the guilt-mongering, punishing version of God.

But I’ll just have to take that risk.  I will not misrepresent who God is just to keep them in line.

I’m sure there are more moments ahead that will make me cringe.  I just hope there are more “holding-back-laughter” than “heart-stopping” cringe-worthy moments.

And in a few short years, the tables will turn and I will easily, and with great joy, make them cringe just by my very existence.  Casey has already been through the teen years with this Mama, and she can warn them that they might as well get used to the idea of public embarrassment!

So I guess I deserve all these moments that make me cringe – if I can dish it, I better be able to take it!