One-Size-Fits-All: Parenting Pipe Dream

Once, when Lela was a baby, she took her diaper off and made use of her few moments of naked freedom by pooping on the floor.  Carlie called frantically for me, and when I walked in the room, she pointed at the mess and said “Lela (GAAK) pooped (GAAK) on the floor (GAAAAAK)” and then proceeded to throw up.  (Gotta love those mommy moments that include poop AND puke.)  Anyway, I remember telling Keith that Carlie has a strong gag reflex, so we can probably eliminate “doctor” from her list of potential careers.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”  This is one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou.  I’ve always used it from a negative perspective to help me steer clear of people who have bad character.  But now that I’m a parent, I’m seeing this quote in a whole new light.

Our kids show us who they are.  If you are a parent, then you know that kids come to us “preprogrammed” in a lot of ways.  They have certain interests and personality traits (and gag reflexes) that are just built into them and you can see it very early on.

Having both adopted and biological children, and having a boy/girl set of twins has been like watching my own little nature vs. nurture sociology experiment.  Luke and Lela have been in the same environment, surrounded by the same toys, exposed to the same circumstances and yet they are “extreme” opposites (even down to the hand they write with).  One is a rule follower and the other a free spirit; one loves sports and ninjas and super heroes while the other loves dolls and drawing and singing; one is an extreme extrovert and the other is more cautious and reticent socially.  It is pretty fascinating and also humbling . . . because you realize that whether biological or adopted, whether male or female and regardless of birth order, our kids come to us as “who they are” and it’s our job to nurture the souls that God already made them to be.

“Read your child’s God-designed itinerary.  Don’t see your child as a blank slate awaiting your pen, but as a book awaiting your study.”  (Max Lucado, Cure For The Common Life)

There are so many unrealistic expectations in parenting.  I used to think that my children would adjust to my “parenting style,” but the reality is that they all need something different and what works with one child might not work with another.  I also expected that children were a “blank slate” in many ways and that parenting gave me some measure of control.  HA!!!  Parenting is the most experimental, depend-on-God, joyful yet maddening, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, curve ball of my life!  And I love it!

Once I embraced that I don’t have a clue and that my parenting “plan” was useless, I became a much better parent (or maybe I just stopped stressing about the organized chaos).  Instead of trying to mold my kids, now I watch and listen so that God can mold me into the parent they need (Note:  this sounds a lot easier than it is.  Adjusting your parenting style to meet your kids’ needs requires humility, and my pride gets the better of me more often than I would like to admit.)  I want them to revel in who God created them to be and discover their passions, reach their full potential and wring every precious drop of life out of each day.

One-size-fits-all just doesn’t work with kids.  They are all unique little creatures and it’s fascinating to see what makes them light up, what they do in their free time, what they love to talk about, etc.

And thankfully, God doesn’t treat us with a one-size-fits-all attitude either.  He offers to all of us the free gift of life, an invitation to know His love and mercy and grace, joy and peace, and the list goes on.  But He created us all with different gifts and abilities, different personalities and qualities and I think He interacts with us uniquely, just as we have a different and special relationship with all of our children.

In one of my new favorite books, Love Does by Bob Goff, he describes taking each of his kids on a ten-year-old adventure of their choosing.  This quote got me all weepy:   “I think a father’s job, when it’s done best, is to get down on both knees, lean over his children’s lives, and whisper, “Where do you want to go?””

He goes on to say, “Every day God invites us on the same kind of adventure.  It’s not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us.  God asks what it is He’s made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made.  And then, leaning over us, He whispers, “Let’s go do that together.”

I love the imagery of God doing the same thing for us that we do for our children . . . helping to fan the flames of our unique and God-designed passions.  Sometimes we treat our children, and each other, with a “one-size-fits-all” mentality, but God has created us to be vastly different and unique.  Imagine if we gave each other the freedom to do what we love and to pursue and live-out our God-given identity without guilt, without hesitation, without judgment or constant comparisons.

I might screw up this parenting thing royally.  No doubt, I’ve already made plenty of mistakes.  All this might sound a little freewheeling, but I want to clarify that giving kids the freedom to become who God designed them to be doesn’t mean lack of discipline or lowering my expectations.  I want my kids to reach for the stars and do their best and live up to their full potential, but that might not mean getting into Harvard or becoming a doctor or making a six-figure salary.

My greatest hope is that my children will learn to embrace who God made them to be and then use that, everyday, to make a difference, to recognize the miracles in the mundane, to have a grateful heart, and to say “yes” as God invites them to go with Him on an amazing adventure.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:14

Follow

share via email

Share