Heading home from vacation, it occurred to me that traveling is a great way to highlight the differences between males and females. Keith and I have fallen into our respective roles – he drives (as efficiently as his family will allow) and I hand out snacks, change movies, organize electronics, gather trash, refill sippy cups, manage the occasional “potty-emergency-in-a-moving-vehicle,” etc. Of course, I’m downplaying how awful it is to drive for 13 hours (thanks, honey!).
Getting ready for travel is also a stark contrast for Keith and me – his extensive plans involve spending five minutes packing his clothes, and making sure the house is secure. Meanwhile, I’m taking the animals to the kennel, getting the oil changed, packing for four people, planning for every possible contingency, stopping the mail and newspaper, packing food and entertainment . . . the list goes on.
Part of this division of labor is deliberate – over a decade ago, we decided Keith would focus on work and his career and I would manage the household. But truthfully, there is also a big difference between how we handle details. A few examples:
Going out with the kids:
- Me: Take a stocked bag and plan for the worst case scenario
- Keith: Just takes the kids. When Carlie was a baby, Keith would go out without a diaper bag. I asked, “What would you have done if Carlie had pooped?” He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I guess she would have been stinky.”
Feeding the kids:
- Me: Try to make sure the kids eat a balanced diet
- Keith: Feeds them chips (okay, not every time, but this definitely happens)
Dressing the kids:
- Me: Try to convince them to dress appropriately for the weather (although this is one area where I’m pretty slack)
- Keith: Let’s them dress themselves, even if Lela goes to church looking like a Vegas showgirl and Luke is wearing crocs in the snow.
Losing weight:
- Me: Overanalyze why I eat, obsess over what I’m going to eat, when I’m going to exercise, etc.
- Keith: Eat less, exercise more . . . math works!
In some ways, I am jealous of my husband’s casual, un-phased approach to these small details. But I am biologically incapable of letting go to this degree. I feel like it is built into my DNA to plan and protect and predict (aka control).
I read a book a long time ago called Men Are Like Waffles — Women Are Like Spaghetti and although the generalizations don’t apply to everyone, I felt like this book was spot on for Keith and me. Keith can compartmentalize things. If he is watching sports, he is not thinking about a zillion other things . . . he is watching sports. If I am watching sports, I am making a mental list of all the things I could/should be doing instead of sitting in front of the TV, and then I usually end up trying to multi-task (folding laundry, doing paperwork, etc.) in a futile effort to shrink my ever-growing “to do” list.
For me, the spaghetti analogy is SO true. Everything overlaps and interconnects. You can make a seemingly small decision that will then set in motion a number of other outcomes that could change things dramatically, so I try hard to think several steps down the road and “play out” that choice. When I make decisions, I’m considering everyone in the family and all sorts of variables. It’s all intertwined like a big pile of noodles.
The book also revealed an amazing detail that completely shocked me. Men have an EMPTY waffle box. What???? This book claimed that a man can actually think of nothing, if he chooses. This seemed like science fiction to me, and it was definitely something I could not begin to understand. Again, I feel biologically incapable of this incredible mental task. I confirmed with my husband that this is indeed true and he is capable of thinking of nothing. I have never been more jealous. When I try to think of nothing, I feel like I’m playing “whack-a-mole” with my thoughts, popping up while I try to beat them into submission.
It’s exhausting to try to think of nothing.
One thing Keith and I have noticed is that when we are able to embrace our differences, we realize how much we complement each other. The strengths of one offset the weaknesses of the other. Keith likes to say that we have “no overlapping talents.” Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate how different we are – when we are driving each other crazy with our various approaches to planning, I wouldn’t say “appreciation” is the first word that comes to mind. Keith jokes that one of his favorite activities in the van is searching for the emergency brake underneath all my “stuff.” But when he wants something to eat or drink, when he needs a bandaid or a phone charger, he is thankful for my over-planning. And I am definitely thankful for his focus and efficiency that keeps the family steady and on track.
The book mentioned how difficult it can be for men and women to communicate because one operates in compartments while the other deals in overlapping noodles. Keith has always been really thoughtful about talking with me, so I asked him about this and he said, “I just created a box for that.”
A compartment, just for me — now that’s love!
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” Dave Meurer
“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” Robert C. Dodds
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T – Thanks for the laughs! You are such a talented and gifted lady. God certainly blessed you with the ability to write and express ideas in a way that touches many (but that is no surprise to me, I have known that for many years). The part that made me laugh out loud to the point my family was wondering what on earth I was reading: whack a mole! That is exactly what it feels like to try and think about nothing!!!!!!!! You are absolutely rights………I am not jealous about many of my husband’s abilities or talents (especially like passing gas skill) but I am VERY jealous of the ability to think about nothing and camp out in an empty box! Love ya soul sista and thanks for tarting this blog!
Thanks for your note, Kim! We have certainly talked about all of this at length. I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you to sort out all my crazy thoughts. Love you too my soul sista!
Great Blog, I think you have it together in understanding how to function within so many different variables with an unusual husband. I am a bit different in that I am not able to shut down my mind. Whenever I try to meditate, concentrate or shut down my mind, I also goes into “whack-a-mole.” and my mind introduces even more things. However, I do have the ability to procrastinate and not allow all these thoughts and ideas to actually change my life. I wish sometimes I could get in a box, but if I did I am sure that lid would still be open and stuff would still come leaking in. I think you know yourself well and that is a special gift that allows you to function without going nuts. A lot of people experience the same things that you do, but they are not aware of themselves and consequently struggle with their approach to life. Before you can love other you have to love and accept yourself and that is why it is good for you to share yourself with others, so that can better understand themselves and maybe eventually learn to love and accept who they are. I am not much, but I am all I have to work with. (HA)