The other night I had an interesting experience with my daughters. My 8-year-old, Carlie, wanted to sleep in my bed (something I rarely agree to, but Keith was out of town, so I relented). As we were lying in bed, both reading books to get sleepy, she seemed so grown up, and I realized how nice it was that we could read together and chat like girlfriends before going to sleep.
Around midnight, my youngest daughter (Lela, age 4) came into the room crying, so we went downstairs to take care of the problem, and then I asked if I could hold her for a few minutes. We sat in the dark and I told her about how we would come downstairs when she was a baby and I would feed her or change her and then hold her until she fell asleep in my arms. She liked the story, and I was settled in to hold her until she fell asleep, but after a few minutes of quiet, she said “Mommy, can I go back to my bed now?” I said yes and asked if she wanted me to carry her. She said no and happily bounced up the stairs and back into bed. Part of me was happy that she (usually) sleeps through the night and is so independent, but another part of me was sad that she no longer needs me to rock her to sleep. I miss hearing her deep breaths, feeling the heaviness of her body as she falls asleep – when did she become such a big girl?
I am convinced that parenting is a constant mix of embracing and letting go. Embracing the new phases and maturity while letting go of old phases and dependencies. God was merciful to give us so many years to gradually let go as a child matures. From experience, I can say that fully letting go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do as a parent.
Sometimes the stages of embracing the new and letting go of the old require some grieving – moments like I experienced the other night with my daughters — to be happy for who they are becoming, and wistful about the sweet, innocent, dependent little girls they used to be. A good cry might be in order.
There are wonderful things about each stage in our kids’ lives, new things that we can enjoy, old things that we miss, but change is constant. I pray that God will give me the wisdom to embrace who He created my children to be, and let go . . .gradually, with appreciation . . . of all that He allowed me to hold at one moment in my life. Our mommy instincts tell us to hold on – we want to protect and “help” and do all the things God wired us to do as moms. But as our kids grow up, sometimes we don’t just hold on, we “cling” because we fear, because our hearts beat for them, because we have and would give up anything for them, because we love them so much that it hurts to know that we cannot protect them from the world anymore, or from themselves.
For me, the easiest way to let go is to remember that God is holding on. My role continues to change as my children grow and mature, but God never lets them go. Even when they are grown and out of my reach and influence, God is with them, and (as hard as this is for me to grasp) He loves them even more than I love them.
I pray that I can laugh and cry, embrace change with joy and optimism, be thankful for the childhood that is past, and let go with love. Hopefully, if I can let go in a healthy way, then maybe they will never really go. Maybe they will choose to hold onto me instead.
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Ahhh, your thoughts always have God’s perfect timing to offer me encouragement! I’ve spent the past two days with tears streaming as this mama faces yet another letting go experience as my daughter continues to grow into the most remarkable woman and forge a path in this great big world. UGH! It is wonderful and heart wrenching all at the same time as I will miss her presence, her laughter, her chatter! Thank you for your encouragement! Love you!
Thanks for your note, Claire. You are in the hardest part of letting go right now – when they are adults and you have to trust them to make their own choices, when those choices include people or places or jobs that might take them (physically) away from you. You are a fabulous Mom and you have raised some amazing daughters! I hope I can take a page from the Claire Lavergne book of parenting and help my kids grow into remarkable adults as well. Love you!
So sweet and oh, so true. When our children grow up, we have to let them go make their way in the world. As they go, God draws us closer because we have to rely on Him to take care of them. Our role as mommies is best described as training them in the ways of The Lord and teaching them to be responsible, productive, compassionate adults. God bless you, Tamson. I love you.
Thanks, Marilyn. You were certainly like a mom to me, especially in those college years and you taught me so much! It’s people just like you that are an answer to prayers, that God can bring into our kids’ lives to be His voice, His hands, His presence. I love you too!