The Happy Marriage Mystery Tour Hits 20 Years!

 

Today marks a big milestone for Keith and me . . . our 20^th wedding anniversary!

We are celebrating for lots of reasons, fully aware of how lucky we are.

Some people never know what it is to be truly loved by someone.

Some people never have the freedom to be fully who they are – the good, the bad, the whole “mixed bag” of being human – and still feel completely loved.

The funny thing is, Keith and I, 20 years later, are still mystified at why we work.  We are SO different, it’s laughable.

We are a divine mystery.

My Mom was the first to notice that we were an odd couple.  When we first started dating and I was describing to her this wonderful man who lived across the country (a “left-coaster,” a “city-boy”) who was ambitious and funny, extremely intelligent and athletic, who had a law degree and a Golden Retriever . . . well, I don’t think she could understand what he could possibly want with a chatty, irreverent, small-town girl.

She asked (in all seriousness), “Honey, does he know how you really are?”

I just remember saying something like, “Mom, I don’t know how to be anything but me, so he knows who I am.”

But still, the differences are humorous enough that Keith (for 20 years now) will look at me (usually when I’m doing something quirky), shake his head and ask, “How are we happily married?”

By the way, I used to think he was the quirky one (he’s plenty quirky), but about a decade ago, we decided to have a quirky contest, in an effort to definitively prove the other one was the strangest of the duo. For one week, we called each other out every time the other one did something weird.  Turns out, I’m more quirky.  Dang it.

Keith likes to say we have “no overlapping talents.”  This is true, but it has also worked in our favor.  The whole “opposites attract” thing can either drive you crazy, or you can learn to see it as a bonus.  Instead of thinking of how different you are, you can focus on how well you complement each other (this takes some serious re-framing at times).  Keith and I are good at different things, we do things different ways, and this has made for a pretty easy division of labor.

However, there are compromises.  A perfect example happened last week:

We drove to North Carolina during the kids’ school break which is a 12+ hour drive.  I dehydrated myself so we wouldn’t have to stop too many times and ruin Keith’s driving time – that was my compromise.

Keith stopped three times for my tiny bladder, (mostly) let me pick the podcasts, and tried not to complain about all my “stuff” (early in our marriage, my penchant to be fully prepared by taking all sorts of stuff, precipitated Keith’s creation of the acronym for a unit of time, CAF, meaning “crap adjustment factor”) – that was his compromise (let’s ignore the fact that he made more compromises).

Now, this is what it looks like, when we don’t have to compromise:

Coming home, Keith left a day before me and he and the kids made two stops for gas (they only went to the bathroom at ONE stop – who are these children who can hold their water like freaking camels?) and got home in 12 hours.

I drove home in a separate vehicle (that we bought from my parents since Carlie is going to be 16 soon), took 15 hours, and I made SEVEN stops.

It was glorious.  

I stopped to see a friend and visited for a couple of hours, I stopped at Krispy Kreme, I stopped for coffee, etc.  Every stop included a bathroom and every bathroom was NICE.  Look, this one even had fresh flowers and a candle burning (no disgusting, outside, need-a-key-with-a-giant-keychain bathroom for me!)  Yes, I took photographic proof so that my husband can add “nice bathroom” to his travel goals.  A girl can dream.

Keith was mortified at all of my stops (and was also bothered that I usually had no idea what state I was in, when he called) and sometimes he will still look at me and just shake his head and mumble, “Seven stops.”

So how does someone who pees once on a 12-hour-drive stay married for 20 years to a person who makes the same drive in 15 hours and stops to pee seven times?  I think these are some things that have helped us survive and sometimes even thrive:

• Laughter – if we couldn’t laugh about our differences, we would probably kill each other
• Divorce – okay, maybe bleak and not recommended, but it’s true. We were both married before and those failed marriages helped us learn and grow and avoid the same mistakes.
• Priorities – sounds a little too simple, but even though Keith and I are different, we somehow always agree on the “big” things – faith, kids, finances, career, etc. I’m grateful that we share the same “high level” priorities, even if we disagree on lots of little things.
• Forgiveness – neither of us are good at holding onto anger. I can count on one hand the times we have really fought, but I think forgiving the little everyday annoyances is just as important as forgiving the bigger mistakes and misunderstandings.  You can’t let resentment take hold – it’s a killer.
• Respect – it’s amazing how far this goes in our relationship. I respect Keith and know he’s a person of integrity, so even when we disagree or misunderstand each other, I know I can trust his character.
• Space – we make time for each other, but we give each other a lot of freedom too. If either of us had been controlling, it would never have worked – we are both far too independent.
• Flexibility – we’ve been through a lot, and we have changed a lot. If we couldn’t adjust to these changes and embrace the phases, the seasons, the highs and lows of life, I don’t think we would have made it.
• Faith – everything on this list has been strengthened by the ongoing experience of God’s mysterious, life-giving, challenging and transforming love

I’ve written about Keith a few times through the years (like when he started calling the hot tub “talk prison,” when I was in it with him: Talk Prison: A Dream Gone Wrong) but the truth is that I probably wouldn’t be writing at all, were it not for him.  One of the best things about being with someone who really loves you is that they also want you to do the things you love.  I am grateful that he has not only been supportive of me being home with the kids, but he encourages me to do things that he knows I love.  One Christmas he gave me a blog to encourage me to write (or maybe to direct my thoughts somewhere other than “at him”); one year, a voice recorder to encourage me to continue songwriting; last Christmas he gave me a new camera because he knows I love taking pictures.

He’s always willing to do things for me that he knows I’d never do for myself.

He will even make bathroom stops that kill his land speed record.

I am realistic enough to know that part of this is just luck.  Marriage is a huge bet that might pay off big, or might bankrupt you (literally and figuratively).  But it’s worth the risk.

I’m glad we made the bet.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  Anne Lamott says ““A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.”  For my part, I know I got the better end of the deal.

Thanks for 20 amazing years, Keith!  You’ve given me a life that’s far better than anything I could have ever dreamed, and you have loved me far more than I deserve.

I hope we get 20 more.  (I’m sure I’ll find new, fun ways to annoy you as we age.)